Holidays ahead ..........!

......Its a long time...well not so long(just 3 months) since i blogged...Some may have noticed that I deleted the earlier post I wrote "declaring" about the study preparations I am going to make for my final year exams..I deleted it b’coz my plan failed :( …..I was not well during some time in the study leave period…& I took it as a sign of universe  telling me “you are not supposed to work hard… :P”…I got terribly lazy after I got well…anyway I made sincere efforts to study about one week before the exams…."I think" I did enough to get decent marks…:) I started “facebooking” again...Its some “psycho defect” in me…periods of withdrawal and activity in internet..I start facebook…delete it.. start it…go into dormant state …etc .etc..

Granny stories

My grandma was a good story teller. She used to tell stories everyday when I was little. When she ran out of stories she began to read stories from children’s magazine .I used to lie on her lap and listen to all so carefully. I think I don’t even concentrate on my classroom lectures that well. But with grandma my 100% attention was there. I loved Ramayana story so it was usual that everyday she began to tell the story from the beginning. I wanted to hear each and every detail, if she missed any I will make a big fuss about it and make her tell it again. I was a persistent little rascal back then

      Another category of granny stories was the real – life stories she told. Some are too personnel in the sense that the characters are still living and I don’t want to intrude into their privacy. But some others I can share. So here is one…….

When my grandma was little that is about 1930s that is ,when our land was still under kingship and colonialism.  She really adored a foreign lady named Missy. She was from Britain and she lived just half a kilometer from her house. She told me with wonder about the Persian cat that Missy owned.

Missy married a foreigner here. He came to tutor the Prince. They both worked at the palace, Missy was in charge of the tapestry decorations & carpets (palace was about 3 km away from our house) .They met and fell in love. But tragically her husband fell in the bathroom and died. Missy stayed here even after her husband’s death as a widow. She used to play a piano on some evenings. She was a very generous lady. My grandma & her little brother when they were small kids, used to visit her at Christmas time. She gave them cakes & would ask them to choose a gift that was hanging on the Christmas tree. The gifts were usually small toys and chocolates from England. But after 1947, that is the time of India’s independence Missy left Kerala. She went back to her homeland. My grandma really grew fond of the foreigners and she missed them when they left.

           I know it is not a story, but more of like a chapter from my grandma’s childhood. She used to tell this story when I asked her about the big beautiful bungalow a little away from our house. That is the bungalow where once lived a kind lady called Missy. About 60 years have passed from the day Missy left, now that bungalow is a laboratory & residence of a local doctor. 

Went for a one day trip :)

Krishnapuram palace

Krishnapuram palace

Krishnapuram palace

Varkala beach

Varkala beach

Varkala beach

Varkala beach

Panmana asramam

Shivagiri ,Varkala

P.S. All mobile cam pictures :)
 

Some blurry 'grey' pictures ;)

Yesterday I went on a train journey from Trivandrum to Ernakulam...it was raining slightly.....actually I found it entertaining...there was no boredom of long journey with rain to keep me company during the whole journey.Yesterday was Independence day, but I didn't miss the parade..I saw 2 parades on the way to Ernakulam from train..And it was Onam season so there were small "pookalam"s in front of houses, there were little girls swinging on the rope swings tied to big trees...,there were naughty little boys splashing around in mud puddles...

Landscapes looked so mystic & blurred with all the rain & mist..,,I only got some bad pictures in my mobile camera...the pictures are really bad...I took the pictures while the train was moving..& I am still amazed how the pictures are not so blurred..Usually even when my hands shake the pictures get blurred..Anyway here are a few shots...few because most of the time I was enjoying myself, by just looking outside & didn't bother to take a picture..... :)

Recolouring a fading past

Sometimes I wish I could frame

Those beautiful moments

Just like the framed pictures on my desk

Wish the time won’t pass so quickly

Uncertainty of the past frightens me

Still the curiosity to embrace the unknown, cheers me up

I try too hard to memorize each & every detail

Recollecting as much as possible

To recolour a fading past

I remember the way I blushed to a compliment

And cried to a heartless scolding

I remember the comfort of my home

And the warmth of my parent’s protection

But I remember more about love and death

I fasten my grip on my memories once more

Afraid of letting them fade

While I am busy, chasing my dreams

A sleepy mistake

Last day our Kerala history class was going on as usual. I was among the few who were not sleeping in a class of 65 students. Our professor was talking about the people who have came to Kerala from other parts of the country, in ancient times…Like in the 8th century AD..She asked who was the famous philosopher who came from Erankulam to here(here means Trivandrum , our place) in the 8th century A.D. Actually she was expecting an answer ‘Sankracharya’. As I was going to answer & make a show off, someone from the other side of my row raised her hand. That was my dear friend Alia who has come from Ernakulam. As she was sleeping during the rest of the class, she only heard the part ‘who came from Ernakulam ?’ She proudly & loudly answered “Madam, I” ….The students who were not sleeping & the professor broke into a laughter. Even at this point, Alia had no idea what was so funny about her answer….Due to the amount of sound we made the rest of the students woke up & they too joined the laughter even though they had no idea what was going on. Of course, if they didn’t laugh it will seem awkward, so they had to imitate laughing till we stopped laughing….After the class we made fun of Alia as much as we possibly can…I mean its only in such rare occasions we get such a humiliated prey….While we said goodbye to her that evening, we said no hard feelings..it was just a sleepy mistake …

I want to say something

Yesterday I was going through my blog posts...Oh..God... its depressing... Most of the posts have negative feeling ..How come I am not writing about the cheerful & funny scenario that happens to me ?..Seems like I want to keep all the happiness to myself...One more thing..the posts with labels 'about me' are the only ones based on my experience..I have wrote some posts using "I"... just used that for a effect..I get most of the inspiration for "my sad stuff" from the experiences of my friends..I am kind of borrowing their pathetic condition & modifying it, to my imagination..creepy...Well I will try to write about something cheerful than my usual load of complaining & confusion..

New Pinch

I am not sure how much more I will be able to blog in the coming months...my college is going to reopen day after tomorrow. Still I am planning to have atleast 3 posts a month. Its a crucial year in my studies as I have to prepare for 5 main papers (actually its 4 but last year's paper was a mess so I am improving). It was a memorable summer vacation, lot of tragedies & losses. Anyway seems like I have learnt a lot of things, most striking of all is that "I am saying goodbye to last minute studies." I just hope this lesson doesn't wither away like my new year resolutions which I never keep.
                  Feels like I am having a new beginning. Maybe its because of all the new things I got for college year. Its a silly habit I am having from kindergarten classes onwards. Each school year I want the first day of school to be perfect. Perfect means new pencils,bag, water bottle,shoes & so & so......Anyway I have kept the list of new things to the minimum this year. I have mentioned this earlier in my blog that most of my classmates are from poor families. Sometimes I feel guilty while I buy new shoes or clothes just for the reason that it looks pretty. I have seen some of my classmates using their shoes till they can't be repaired further. They buy things out of necessity, not just because they look pretty or pink. Even though I am saying things like this, I still buy stuff as my father is paying for it. When the day comes, in which I am the person who is paying bills, I will definitely cut back on buying pretty things. Each day I spend with my classmates, makes me more aware of the value of money & I take care not to waste it. I just wish, I will have not too much money or too little money, but just the right amount to balance it all. Till this day money has never been my motivation, I  hope it will stay that way.

Living in the shadow of dreams

As I took shelter from the scorching sun

Under the shadow of a tree

I take shelter under the shadow of my dreams

To cool a scorching mind

The departure of loved ones is hard to bear

And what if the departure is forever

Never ever to see their faces

Never ever to hear them call me pet names

But I dream about them

The only possible way I have

To see them again & listen to them

At least to believe in their existence

For a fraction of a second

I pray every night to God

Let me dream about the dead

Dead who were dear to me once

When they were alive and breathing

Sometimes I become blessed, or am I lucky

To dream of my loved ones in heaven

And I wake up, thanking God right away

Repeating my prayer

Let me dream about my loved ones, once more

And I live in the shadow of my dreams

My friends say, that its wistful dreams

But if it gives me peace of mind

Who is to say nay to it?

Time to move on

The crowd has thinned

The voices have been lowered

Everything is starting to look familiar again

The concrete house bore no marks of death

All it bore was an empty room

Its time to move on

Picking up my shattered heart

Drying out my tears

I bury my sorrows by getting busy again

Death is the only certainty in life

Still I find it hard to believe

I wish the reality was just a nightmare

And I will wake up in a land of good dreams

Goodbye

Patching up my broken heart

I try my best to put on a brave face

Suppressing a howl from inside

I try my best to hold back my tears

Its goodbye forever

I plant a last kiss on her cold face

Tears and tears are all I have to say goodbye

Life won’t be the same again

Without her, life won’t be the same again

20 years of love gone in a blink of eye

All I have is memories and memories alone

If there is an afterlife, I will hold her hand again

Till then its goodbye

If there is no such thing as afterlife

Her memories will die when…I die

A sweaty summer

This summer in Kerala has been the hottest summer in my 20 years of life. Not even summer rains are there. Of course our Kerala meteorological department is happy with that. So that they don’t have to make wrong predictions, about if it will rain or not. They simply have the job of telling the temperature (No offence intended, its just that they make a lot of mistakes in their predictions. Most of the time it’s the opposite of what they predicted that happens. So their predictions are a pretty good joke around here). Local newspapers are doing a probe into the reasons for the hot summer in Kerala and they concluded that local deforestation and rise in number of vehicles are the culprits. All have reasons but where is the solution ? Of course cutting down on our consumption is one thing.Hmm….. summer time is the peak time for A/C sale and accordingly increased consumption of electricity. We all are wonderful speech – makers. But when it comes to ‘doing’ not so good.   People have the freedom to do anything with their money ,but is it right? thatz the question.A little bit conscious- check is required now and then.  All of us are leaving our little carbon footprints on the world. That “little little” footprints have led to the whole global warming cliché and subsequently I am suffering from a hot summer. Not only me others too……Right now my hands are getting sweaty while typing this, but no problem the keyboard is supposedly water-proof (more correctly spill resistant)..... :)

Cloud cuckoo land

Living in a “cloud cuckoo land”…I always think things to be better than what it really is. Call me optimistic. But if I am down with a fever I think about the joys of staying home without doing anything and watching TV all day and my parents spoiling me with all the pampering till I get better. But once I am better I would have a lot of pending lessons to study. I have to catch up with the college gossip that I missed for whole one week. And life gets busier than it usually is..ok now I am thinking all the negative things..so after all I am not living in a “cloud cuckoo land”.

Those ogling eye

I first experienced eve-teasing when I was about 13 years old .While I was walking with my mother one day, some men passed some commends on my mother .Then and there  I had an urge to go and slap them straight on the face. But my mum dragged me along and told me to pretend like I didn’t hear anything. This is the advice she has always been giving me…Don’t react to that worthless men..they want us to react that is why they are provoking us. According to her when we walk away as if we didn’t hear anything they are ones who is going to be ashamed. And on the other hands I hear intellectuals like Justice Sreedevi(Chairperson, Kerala women’s commission ) asking us to react. She said this in a seminar conducted in my college. She said if one of you react those men will atleast have a hesitation before he starts to pass lewd commands on another girl. She said we will be preventing this happening to one of our sisters if we show a little courage.

                        I don’t know how much this reacting thing is practical in our Kerala society. From the experiences I hear from my friends who travel long distances in bus it all depends on the people around us. Well in one experience I heard some elderly woman came to the front to, tell off those menace boys who were flirting with girls on the bus. In another case a conductor scolded the girl when she complained and told her that in a crowded bus it is natural that people might accidentally brush against, you know, some of your body. And told her not to make a big deal out of it.I think men feel more insulted if they get a scolding from women, they can manage the man to man arguing ,but if a women argues with him especially in public and if she gets the upper-hand that can really tick off some men.

                           I still don’t know what I am supposed to do if someone passes some command on me. My mum has strictly told me not to react .So as far as I am under my parents care I won’t disobey them and I will have patience. But one day when I become independent and more mature, maybe I will react .Because I don’t want my children to go through the same uncomfortable situation I had. Well mostly eve-teasing I have experienced is just staring, whistling, some songs and sometimes remarks. Well it is not that damaging. But it is just the way they make me feel self-conscious is just maddening. I try to avoid those ogling eyes as much as possible. By avoiding I mean pretending that those eve-teasers don’t exist there. I just try to imagine that some silly old cow or bull or a dog is staring at me stupidly. But it is hard to act deaf and there are even some people who actually enjoys the whole scene just standing there as a spectator. They watch my face for any signs of discomfort and sees this as a pass time when they wait for their bus. That is how most of the time the eve-teasing episode goes.

                            Then some say it is our dressing style that makes men pass commands. So to be on the safe side. I make sure my dress is not  short or not  tight because the last thing I want is someone blaming me that the whole eve-teasing thing is because I tempted them to pass commands on me. Once my teacher jokingly said that these” Roadside Romeos” go after decently dressed women because they are curious. The kind of curiosity to know what is inside a wrapped gift box. …..or behind a closed door. It is extreme thinking but it gave a humorous outlook to the whole thing. She taught us to take the matter lightly, laugh about it, and manage it tactically. It’s not a matter to be laughed at but remember the teacher was talking to a group of 14 year old girls who was frustrated by the new kind of attention they are getting. She didn’t want us to react on an impulse and make the matters worse. She knew back then, we didn’t have the capacity to stand up strongly. After a while of arguing we may even break into tears which bring on more humiliation. So whenever we decide to stand up to the eve-teasers, do it properly, leave no unfinished business. If you don’t want the whole yelling out and drawing attention stuff, then do it silently. I still remember my aunt using a pin to ward off some menacing hands while she was on bus.

                               There is nothing wrong with looking at people decently. That is just usual, when we see something beautiful we just look at it and just think “wow that really is a pretty girl or boy”. But the eve-teasers want the woman to feel that they are looked on. It is when they become a father of a girl that they will know, what a difficult situation it is to play the part of a victim. Then they will regret ……and repent…… ..and again regret …….

Star gazing

When I was little I used to ask a lot of questions like any other child growing up. A lot of curiosity and imagination drove my life back then. My dad & I used to watch stars at night when I was little….He was not that interested but he accompanied me. The one thing I love about him is that whenever I asked him a difficult question he tried to stick to the facts. Its difficult to explain to a 3 year old the science behind why stars glow but he tried to explain it to me and didn’t invent stories like they are glitters that god has thrown over the sky, and that kind of absurd stories. Even though I didn’t understand it that well he used to say stars glowed because there is gas on them and its burning to give light.  As a grew up I learned more about it and I felt grateful to my father because he tried to give me reasonable answer to my childhood curiosities. Still I imagined things, I thought if I looked long enough at the stars they will look back on me…  it was a time of expectations….truly stupid and fantastic expectations……

                  But times have changed I don’t do star gazing anymore. I cannot see the star clearly as before……city smog has hidden most of the little stars ,only the bright ones have overcome the ugliness made by pollution. And I don’t any longer worry about the complications of universe or its mysteries because its charm has been long lost for me along with other childhood fascinations. I think about things that matter in my daily life……. to be a better human being, to be a good daughter, to be a trustful friend. I have asked my dad why we keep on loving dead people…….. why we r crying over something that is not ever gone come back, they say don’t cry over spilt milk…but crying for the dead is kind of like that…nothing is going to rewrite what have already happened. I think its funny when people say they are going to rewrite history…how can they do that? not even God can change our past… But it is better to cry out our distress than holding all inside and waiting for a tempest to break out inside us.I am not talking about being a crybaby at every turn of difficulties in life… but there are certain situations where tears can do wonders....... the time of crying gives me time to think, and not do or say anything stupid .

               But my father can’t help me with answers now, he tries to comfort me but he also can’t answer all my philosophical questions. And sometimes I keep on wondering and wondering till I scold myself….. girl you are hopeless….. come on…… get a life and move on. So I wake up from my slumber and I am again back to my books, time-killing and usual rational stuff that humans generally do… .One more thing ……I am an idiot in philosophical thinking and it is not my field. Hmmmmm…….I do learn lessons quickly nowadays ……

A part of my soul

Falling in love with life..

Falling head over heels in all pleasures

Swaying and melting in with a melody…….

My dreams are on fire..

Adrenaline rush at top..ready for anything that life throws at me

Sneering at all those questions

Because all life has is questions and no answers

So why should I search for true answers

When there are million possibilities of answering a question

I answer as I please… to please my arrogance and self-importance

I live in bubble protected by family, love and care

What happens when I am all alone?

When all my efforts are futile

And my imaginary bubble of protection breaks

I will be as vulnerable as a grass in a storm

My mother says new people will come to my life and

I won’t miss what I had lost

How could I afford to forget my past

How could I let my memories blur when I get new people

I can’t let myself laugh without my family

I want them to be engraved to my soul

How much it hurts doesn’t matter…

Let a part of my soul be kept for them

I will cope with what is left

My summer of ‘99

Well my best childhood memory was the time I spent with my 3 cousins .Those were the days were we saw wonder in all the mysteries of nature .But as we grow up we got all the explanation from the science classes. Human beings can never accept the ignorance, it really hurts their complex if they don’t know something .They make up stories ,gossips or whatever they can if they are not able to find any logical explanation for something .That is how superstitions were born .
It was so fun to think about the imaginary countries we made up when we were kids. How we set up defense, government, wildlife, marine, transport, houses .Well we were mostly interested in guns, war and animals as my playmates were boys and they never agreed to play with barbies and dolls, so for the girly plays I used to invite my neighbour girl, who was almost about my age. I still remember the fun we had planning operations in war, playing dead and the thrill to watch soldiers getting killed in war in movies. We were so ignorant at that time and took pleasure in all that .But when I look back now I see those innocent faces, not knowing the meaning of death or birth, not knowing which is right or wrong, just being happy and playing all the time. At that times our minds were more free, there was no need to think about consequences, no need to measure the words .We could play in the rain and not worry about catching a cold, we could dress up the way we like and don’t care about the commands others say, we could just gobble up anything without worrying about our waistline getting bigger.
A sadist thing we did when we were children was to load the snails (hard shelled big ones….nasty right?) to our toy trucks and dump them in the trash and when the servant came and burned the trash we watched the green and blue flames coming out of those poor creatures. When I think about it…..I feel sorry for those snails that attained martyrdom for our pleasure. Another exciting part was when we went to collect flowers for onam…we exactly didn’t ask the neighbors permission before plucking flowers from their garden….During one such flower plucking expeditions we encountered a snake…we ran howling all the way back to our homes throwing the flower baskets …near that snake……….

View from the top

For me preparing for civil service is like swimming against the current. The most contradictory part is I don’t know how to swim. So basically I have no actual experience of how tough it can be. Still the view from the top is what inspires me……..Wonder what it is? See the preparation process can be sometimes tedious and boring. It’s an uphill climb and when I finally reach the top of that mountain I get the view of the beautiful panorama there. I will feel like I am at the top of the world. But a small doubt is creeping within me nowadays whether I will like the view from the top. How to explain that concept……. Let me give an example….I so wanted to read the Harry Potter book 7 badly that I downloaded it from the net and finished reading that on computer from morning 10 to night 2 O’clock. My eye will never forgive me for the strain I put on them. Next day my eyes were red till afternoon. But after reading that book I didn’t feel excited. I think I was more excited before I read it. You know the intuitions about the unknown kept my curiosity level up. So I am a bit afraid whether I will like my life as a Civil servant. Forewarned is forearmed. So what I do is I prepare my mind to go ahead and grab it whether I like it or not. Because my aim along with the good things that I will be able to do for others is my priority and it will be selfish to think about my conformability level. Most of all being a civil servant means sacrificing some thing for the good of nation.

Getting interested in history

Starting from the school level onwards I was an average student in all subjects. That means I got almost 85% above for all the subjects I studied till my 10th std. So that doesn’t prove that I am intelligent, but it showed that I have a talent to study all the subjects in the same magnitude. I now find that as a disadvantage, because it’s better to have a deep knowledge and extreme interest in one subject than having a little knowledge in all subjects. Well this principle is only applicable if you want to become famous as Einstein who was interested in maths and was considered as an idiot by his social science teacher.
So if you want to be like a regular human, getting a good job that earns you money and look after the family and all that, you need not be an extra –brilliant scholar in one subject. So this doesn’t mean I want to be world famous or anything. Still I want to leave behind a legacy, or some milestone or something that people will remember even after I am dead. So now let’s not let our imagination run wild. Practically thinking I will also end up like a regular human working, looking after the family, and hopefully dying peacefully at home when I get old. Still considering my current age it’s possible to understand the revolutionary spirit that I have in my blood and the dreams I wove. At the end of the day this all may be fruitless. There maybe many untold tales of failure and always what we hear are stories of success (we hearing it is a proof of success so…). Still the one factor that gets me going is what if we had a chance to excel in something and we didn’t try out that. I certainly don’t want any regrets in my life or more practically I want to keep the number of regrets in my life to the lowest number possible.
So back to my choice of history. So after 12th I really thought hard what I wanted to study. In that thinking I gave priority to what I like than what I thought I liked. So it was a moment of self-discovery. I always was fascinated by history. The heroes of the past gave rejuvenation to my imagination. I liked to think about what it was like living in that period of history. I think it’s an honour to study in detail about the great personalities in history like Gandhiji, Mother Theresa etc. Well it’s the least we can do to show an appreciation to the noble deeds they did. There are diverse things that capture my attention in history. History can be studied in a story telling way. Or it can be boring with dates and number of dead soldier. Or it can just be a bunch of lies written by the victors. There maybe thousands of treasures that maybe lost forever by the crookedness of men or by the sheer accident or coincidence. By treasures I men not the gold, diamond stuff because they are the things that we can put a price tag. But some facts in history are invaluable and are like hidden treasures. We have a right to know the truth and the injustice of the past deserves to be brought to light. So that’s just the outline of things that got me interested in history.

Mask

Everyday I wake up and put on a mask
In college I put on a mask of fun and chatty girl
With some friends who are obnoxious and sickening
I put a mask to hide my dislike
With some teachers who are truly disagreeable
I put on a mask of obedience
To save my internal marks from dipping down

With some very charitable relatives
I put on a mask of humble and cute girl looks
With some deceitful and clever persons
I put on a mask of innocence and helplessness
As I am afraid to stand up to them

To the persons who truly love me I discard my mask
The important factor for success in life
The right mask at the right time…….