Leap of faith

I am on the path to change my life. Others see my life as perfect . Loving family and friends,  financial independence. Yes my life is perfect . Still why I am whining about change. Well I don't want to live in a perfect , protected shell safe from all the ugliness out there. I want to know human life in all its flavours both the pathetic and exuberant. So I am taking a risk and leaving my comfort zone. Yes it is a leap of faith for the better or for worse. But I do sincerely hope something gets better in this world however small may it be , because I lived, dreamed and worked. 

My dreams for sale

I will write this in red
Let them see the  red 
They hacked my dreams to pieces
Bartered them for a few jingling gold

Now there is just numbness 
Cold,bitter and prickly numbness
My dreams for sale
Priced at a few silver coins

Way forward

Biting my lips

Have a gratifying effect of holding back tears

Because tears give away the uncomfy fancy

That I am such a girly girl

I am in a tug of war

To become a respectable woman

Throwing all kind of tantrums

On the way forward

Choosing pastels over pinks

Giving up on skirts & frocks

Tying my hair instead of leaving it

For the whims of wind

Letting go of cheap romance comedies

And committing to the classy doomed love stories

Realizing that there is no fairy-tales in life

Only a sprinkle of joy here and there

Only the goal matters,why should it matter

Whether I win by fair or foul means?

The fear that someone is keeping check on my actions

Is encouragement for sticking to the fair ways........

Choice

What good does choice have

When I have nothing to choose from

Choices were made for me

Dusted & faded among them, my lost dreams

What dreams? I barely recollect

After a night’s sleep

When I forsake the most precious dreams

I didn’t abandon them by choice

It’s just that, I can’t remember them

Sometimes I hear my heart beats

Among those midnight sighs

Straining my ears to pick

Some celestial sounds

Why would God talk to me

When I can’t even understand

The speech of my fellow beings

That is my fear…that I will never understand language!

I am back :)

I have missed writing so much.........I have been in hiding, don't misunderstand...just scared that I had a stalker. I was stupid enough to give my name on the blog & anyone who entered my name into google would get right to this blog...Actually it is no big deal..But there is a small possibility of me being "known" (maybe as a civil servant or as teacher) in the future, so I would like to remain unknown in this blog...CRAZY ?....I know..:)..The freedom 'anonymous' title gives is enviable...;) ...I can write whatever I want, without being prejudiced, egoistic, dishonest & blah blah.......:).......
So during this time I have been away from blog, this all things happened
1) Got a university y rank ...yipppppppeeeeee :D
2) Joined for post graduation...*sigh * I am not loving hard work :(......but still will manage : )
3) Studied a little paper crafts & origami stuff
4) Got addicted to watching supernatural TV series...I know the story is not so great ,but still all the 'sweet' sibling relations, leave me aching for a sibling
                  Still many things happened, well that is for another 'day' to write........................

Dealing with a death

Nobody in my school taught me how to deal with death…nobody in my family told me how to deal with death…..why I wonder ?...Maybe they thought I will adapt to it, giving an explanation was too much complicated, so silences took over when it comes to death. I was too young to understand the loss, when my grandfather died…I was a child when dusk fell on the day my grandpa died… I was running along with my cousins…..I fell once or twice & I remembered how my grandfather used to scoop me up & rock me in his arms…shushing me don’t cry baby…..As the days passed I began to realize how much I miss him & it was too late to cry ,….because crying period was over & my family had moved on…I don’t remember anyone talking to me about his death…Maybe they thought I was too young to remember .….

In high school a wonderful friend of mine decided to end her life without no particular reason…..I rewound the last conversation I had with her, to find any hints of suicide mood…I didn’t find any…I still don’t know why she decided to put an abrupt end to her beautiful life…That question is one among many that nag me on a sleepless night

In college my grandmother died ..She was really old, so some of my relatives were of the opinion that I shouldn’t cry so much and make myself sick…But anyway I cried for days & the crying stopped when I became sick…Then I was concerned about my body & my grief got drowned ,among the period of concern for present..

I think a part of us dies when someone so dear leave us forever…..A thing of great happiness happened to me days back, after the initial excitement , I remembered that I couldn’t share this with my grandma …That was realization…. Anything & everything I achieve in this world doesn’t make sense, if I don’t have my loved ones to share it with….I can be alone in my sorrows, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in the moment of success ……As I age, I will bear witness to the death of my loved ones…Call me selfish, coward…but sometimes dying young has its benefits ,if it puts you out of the torture of seeing everyone around you die. …..Yeah yeah I have heard the philosophy of how we have to face everything & how from the day of birth we are moving closer to death…But when someone dear to us dies , everything goes blank…only time will heal it.

….P.S. I have no intention of dying for another 80 years ;) :D...letz hope :) …

Books & twirling skirts

I promised myself that I won’t make this a place to whine about my problems, still i have some whining ……I have joined for civil service coaching class…there are about 81 students in my batch…Some are really nice..& some absolutely mean (mostly girls)…The thing that worries me are “the mean ones who will become our future administrators “…..I appreciate how much knowledgeable they are. They religiously study the newspapers and all the books they can lay their hands on…but lacks a social skill…they don’t know how to behave with someone outside their bookworm life….At some level I understand them…because I too once used to be so deep among books….reading upto 6 books within a week…At that time I was less fun when I was with friends, had less time to talk with my parents….etc..etc..Well gradually I switched off the extreme reading habit, then I got time for other things in life…I spend more time with my parents…I hanged out with friends more…..made some solid friendships that is going to last a lifetime…. We need hardwork to succeed in life…but we got to enjoy that hardwork….its not enjoyment if we miss out on our parents , good friends , our hobbies….The frustration that hardwork gives sometimes takes toll on our life,our soul…So I try to make sure I balance it out…I am at a delightful age of 21….. I like to twirl in a skirt and listen to the music of my jingling bangles & tinkling earrings , …I go for long walks with my father, I cook with my mother, I enjoy a nice movie now and then, the rest of time I work for my ambition. If my ambition doesn’t give me time for the above said things, then I am with the wrong ambition . I sincerely wish that the "mean bookworm girls” in my civil service class will realize there is more to life than just mugging up knowledge. These girls are going to be in a powerful position in their future life, may God give them the sense of humbleness also.