Sorting

Why can’t people just say what they feel?

Instead of giving me puzzles & hints

They know I am a ‘dummy’ in problem solving

They ask me to sort friends as good, bad & average

They start preaching into my unwilling ears

“Hang out with the good, just say hi to the average

And act as if the bad doesn’t exist”

Nowadays all I do is, think to myself

I am too lazy to argue…

I whisper under my breath to myself

“Only if I know what is bad, I can appreciate the good

In a way, aren't all of us good & bad at the same time?"

Hiding our frustrations behind a smile

Hiding those tears beneath a laugh"

I want to believe in “happily ever after” endings

Hopes & dreams make my days sweet

I want to believe in all the beautiful & colourful lies

Truth & reality hurts too much

Walk away

I tried to find some truth

Among the lies she told

I tried to see a friend

Beneath the glitter & glamour

Youth, beauty & money

With a dash of arrogance

And somewhere in between

A heartbeat of an ordinary girl

Somewhere I could see the inherent goodness

Hidden away in her fake lashes

She smiles away & laughs aloud

Among a group of parasites, whom she call friends

Sweet talks & happy hours they have all day long

Making each silly occasion a celebration

To give a treat of chocolates & ice-cream

“Walk away girl” I have often thought

You have a life ahead

In which money won’t be your slave

You can boss around now, as

You have been born privileged

One day your beauty will wane

And your admirers will fail

To keep up with the real you

So walk away now & walk towards

A path to build a world of your own

Keep the charity of inheritance

As a reserve for bad times

Is it so hard to read a few books?

To get a decent degree?

Anyway it will be easier than ‘texting’

All your friends & keeping up with fashion trends..

So walk away…& walk towards a better future

By the sea

“Come on dress up letz go somewhere”

Says my dad…”Sea air will be good for you” he continues

By the sea

When the waves grumble

Crashing mercilessly against the rocks on shore

Waves recede, after teasing my toe tips

I step back as in reflex

What made me resent the sea water?

Just the chillness or the dirty tone it had

Once I used to splash around it

Not caring whether it’s blue, brown or blue-green

Now the ‘pedicured’ feet hesitate to touch it

And the wind starts to blow again,

Entangling my hair in a more complicated pattern

I pulled my hood over my hair

Tucking in the loose strands

It’s getting more ridiculous by the minute

Protecting myself from wind & water?

“Evening sunlight is good for your skin”

Quotes my father….

Well he didn’t know I had already on a

Dab of sun-protection lotion

Feels like all my senses are numb

Just moving eyes are there to make sure of the reality

All I feel is empty

Neither sad nor happy

Again I retreated to my shell of silent tortures

New Pinch

I am not sure how much more I will be able to blog in the coming months...my college is going to reopen day after tomorrow. Still I am planning to have atleast 3 posts a month. Its a crucial year in my studies as I have to prepare for 5 main papers (actually its 4 but last year's paper was a mess so I am improving). It was a memorable summer vacation, lot of tragedies & losses. Anyway seems like I have learnt a lot of things, most striking of all is that "I am saying goodbye to last minute studies." I just hope this lesson doesn't wither away like my new year resolutions which I never keep.
                  Feels like I am having a new beginning. Maybe its because of all the new things I got for college year. Its a silly habit I am having from kindergarten classes onwards. Each school year I want the first day of school to be perfect. Perfect means new pencils,bag, water bottle,shoes & so & so......Anyway I have kept the list of new things to the minimum this year. I have mentioned this earlier in my blog that most of my classmates are from poor families. Sometimes I feel guilty while I buy new shoes or clothes just for the reason that it looks pretty. I have seen some of my classmates using their shoes till they can't be repaired further. They buy things out of necessity, not just because they look pretty or pink. Even though I am saying things like this, I still buy stuff as my father is paying for it. When the day comes, in which I am the person who is paying bills, I will definitely cut back on buying pretty things. Each day I spend with my classmates, makes me more aware of the value of money & I take care not to waste it. I just wish, I will have not too much money or too little money, but just the right amount to balance it all. Till this day money has never been my motivation, I  hope it will stay that way.

Living in the shadow of dreams

As I took shelter from the scorching sun

Under the shadow of a tree

I take shelter under the shadow of my dreams

To cool a scorching mind

The departure of loved ones is hard to bear

And what if the departure is forever

Never ever to see their faces

Never ever to hear them call me pet names

But I dream about them

The only possible way I have

To see them again & listen to them

At least to believe in their existence

For a fraction of a second

I pray every night to God

Let me dream about the dead

Dead who were dear to me once

When they were alive and breathing

Sometimes I become blessed, or am I lucky

To dream of my loved ones in heaven

And I wake up, thanking God right away

Repeating my prayer

Let me dream about my loved ones, once more

And I live in the shadow of my dreams

My friends say, that its wistful dreams

But if it gives me peace of mind

Who is to say nay to it?

Time to move on

The crowd has thinned

The voices have been lowered

Everything is starting to look familiar again

The concrete house bore no marks of death

All it bore was an empty room

Its time to move on

Picking up my shattered heart

Drying out my tears

I bury my sorrows by getting busy again

Death is the only certainty in life

Still I find it hard to believe

I wish the reality was just a nightmare

And I will wake up in a land of good dreams

Pain

Angel voices imitate a devil’s tone

Everything is hostile

Even the drinking water, she is afraid

Maybe be poisoned

She don’t try to hide the puffiness

Of her cried out eyes

People pretend not to care for her tears

Even if they care they pretend not to see

They are playing blind in a world

That is already filled with darkness

She wanders around in the desert

See a tree at the distance

She crawls towards it

Dragging her blistered legs

A tree that is scantly dressed

With a few leaves for the sake of pride

She leans against the tree

It was too late, by the time she realized

The tree barks were full of thorns

As she pulled away

It had already bruised her skin

The pain was unbelievable

All she could think about was the pain

One way it was a blessing for her

A few minutes of escape from the mental maim

A few minutes away from the sins those haunt her

A few minutes of oblivion, a true bliss in her life