Leap of faith

I am on the path to change my life. Others see my life as perfect . Loving family and friends,  financial independence. Yes my life is perfect . Still why I am whining about change. Well I don't want to live in a perfect , protected shell safe from all the ugliness out there. I want to know human life in all its flavours both the pathetic and exuberant. So I am taking a risk and leaving my comfort zone. Yes it is a leap of faith for the better or for worse. But I do sincerely hope something gets better in this world however small may it be , because I lived, dreamed and worked. 

My dreams for sale

I will write this in red
Let them see the  red 
They hacked my dreams to pieces
Bartered them for a few jingling gold

Now there is just numbness 
Cold,bitter and prickly numbness
My dreams for sale
Priced at a few silver coins

Way forward

Biting my lips

Have a gratifying effect of holding back tears

Because tears give away the uncomfy fancy

That I am such a girly girl

I am in a tug of war

To become a respectable woman

Throwing all kind of tantrums

On the way forward

Choosing pastels over pinks

Giving up on skirts & frocks

Tying my hair instead of leaving it

For the whims of wind

Letting go of cheap romance comedies

And committing to the classy doomed love stories

Realizing that there is no fairy-tales in life

Only a sprinkle of joy here and there

Only the goal matters,why should it matter

Whether I win by fair or foul means?

The fear that someone is keeping check on my actions

Is encouragement for sticking to the fair ways........

Choice

What good does choice have

When I have nothing to choose from

Choices were made for me

Dusted & faded among them, my lost dreams

What dreams? I barely recollect

After a night’s sleep

When I forsake the most precious dreams

I didn’t abandon them by choice

It’s just that, I can’t remember them

Sometimes I hear my heart beats

Among those midnight sighs

Straining my ears to pick

Some celestial sounds

Why would God talk to me

When I can’t even understand

The speech of my fellow beings

That is my fear…that I will never understand language!

I am back :)

I have missed writing so much.........I have been in hiding, don't misunderstand...just scared that I had a stalker. I was stupid enough to give my name on the blog & anyone who entered my name into google would get right to this blog...Actually it is no big deal..But there is a small possibility of me being "known" (maybe as a civil servant or as teacher) in the future, so I would like to remain unknown in this blog...CRAZY ?....I know..:)..The freedom 'anonymous' title gives is enviable...;) ...I can write whatever I want, without being prejudiced, egoistic, dishonest & blah blah.......:).......
So during this time I have been away from blog, this all things happened
1) Got a university y rank ...yipppppppeeeeee :D
2) Joined for post graduation...*sigh * I am not loving hard work :(......but still will manage : )
3) Studied a little paper crafts & origami stuff
4) Got addicted to watching supernatural TV series...I know the story is not so great ,but still all the 'sweet' sibling relations, leave me aching for a sibling
                  Still many things happened, well that is for another 'day' to write........................

Dealing with a death

Nobody in my school taught me how to deal with death…nobody in my family told me how to deal with death…..why I wonder ?...Maybe they thought I will adapt to it, giving an explanation was too much complicated, so silences took over when it comes to death. I was too young to understand the loss, when my grandfather died…I was a child when dusk fell on the day my grandpa died… I was running along with my cousins…..I fell once or twice & I remembered how my grandfather used to scoop me up & rock me in his arms…shushing me don’t cry baby…..As the days passed I began to realize how much I miss him & it was too late to cry ,….because crying period was over & my family had moved on…I don’t remember anyone talking to me about his death…Maybe they thought I was too young to remember .….

In high school a wonderful friend of mine decided to end her life without no particular reason…..I rewound the last conversation I had with her, to find any hints of suicide mood…I didn’t find any…I still don’t know why she decided to put an abrupt end to her beautiful life…That question is one among many that nag me on a sleepless night

In college my grandmother died ..She was really old, so some of my relatives were of the opinion that I shouldn’t cry so much and make myself sick…But anyway I cried for days & the crying stopped when I became sick…Then I was concerned about my body & my grief got drowned ,among the period of concern for present..

I think a part of us dies when someone so dear leave us forever…..A thing of great happiness happened to me days back, after the initial excitement , I remembered that I couldn’t share this with my grandma …That was realization…. Anything & everything I achieve in this world doesn’t make sense, if I don’t have my loved ones to share it with….I can be alone in my sorrows, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in the moment of success ……As I age, I will bear witness to the death of my loved ones…Call me selfish, coward…but sometimes dying young has its benefits ,if it puts you out of the torture of seeing everyone around you die. …..Yeah yeah I have heard the philosophy of how we have to face everything & how from the day of birth we are moving closer to death…But when someone dear to us dies , everything goes blank…only time will heal it.

….P.S. I have no intention of dying for another 80 years ;) :D...letz hope :) …

Books & twirling skirts

I promised myself that I won’t make this a place to whine about my problems, still i have some whining ……I have joined for civil service coaching class…there are about 81 students in my batch…Some are really nice..& some absolutely mean (mostly girls)…The thing that worries me are “the mean ones who will become our future administrators “…..I appreciate how much knowledgeable they are. They religiously study the newspapers and all the books they can lay their hands on…but lacks a social skill…they don’t know how to behave with someone outside their bookworm life….At some level I understand them…because I too once used to be so deep among books….reading upto 6 books within a week…At that time I was less fun when I was with friends, had less time to talk with my parents….etc..etc..Well gradually I switched off the extreme reading habit, then I got time for other things in life…I spend more time with my parents…I hanged out with friends more…..made some solid friendships that is going to last a lifetime…. We need hardwork to succeed in life…but we got to enjoy that hardwork….its not enjoyment if we miss out on our parents , good friends , our hobbies….The frustration that hardwork gives sometimes takes toll on our life,our soul…So I try to make sure I balance it out…I am at a delightful age of 21….. I like to twirl in a skirt and listen to the music of my jingling bangles & tinkling earrings , …I go for long walks with my father, I cook with my mother, I enjoy a nice movie now and then, the rest of time I work for my ambition. If my ambition doesn’t give me time for the above said things, then I am with the wrong ambition . I sincerely wish that the "mean bookworm girls” in my civil service class will realize there is more to life than just mugging up knowledge. These girls are going to be in a powerful position in their future life, may God give them the sense of humbleness also.

Regrets ......listed

Regrets...

1....................chopped off 7 inches of hair (arrogantly)

2....................broke a window glass (accidently)

3....................missed a friend's wedding (idly)

4....................renounced making long calls to friends (economically)

5....................regret regretting over silly things(philosophically)

Summer nights

Those summer nights when I toss and turn in the bed

I snuggle under a blanket even when its warm

To get the comfort of a company

Its those dark hours that remind me of death and pain

I murmur those prayers my grandma taught me

It’s during those sleepless nights that I really think

My days are filled with books, movies, family & friends

That alone times that I converse with myself are getting scarce

There are days when I hardly talk to myself

Holidays ahead ..........!

......Its a long time...well not so long(just 3 months) since i blogged...Some may have noticed that I deleted the earlier post I wrote "declaring" about the study preparations I am going to make for my final year exams..I deleted it b’coz my plan failed :( …..I was not well during some time in the study leave period…& I took it as a sign of universe  telling me “you are not supposed to work hard… :P”…I got terribly lazy after I got well…anyway I made sincere efforts to study about one week before the exams…."I think" I did enough to get decent marks…:) I started “facebooking” again...Its some “psycho defect” in me…periods of withdrawal and activity in internet..I start facebook…delete it.. start it…go into dormant state …etc .etc..

Alive

Living today, as though

Going to die tomorrow

That is the passion I have for living

To the fullest I want to feel the gift of life

Honoured to have been blessed

Encircled by family and friends

Protected by the prayers they say

To love and being loved

Emotions that crowd and fade like

Clouds in the sky

Suspecting a comedy and tragedy

Behind the next turn of life

Wish to live a long life

No age is too old to live with

If the reason ‘alive’ is good enough

Alive with sounds ,sights ,smell and sensations

Granny stories

My grandma was a good story teller. She used to tell stories everyday when I was little. When she ran out of stories she began to read stories from children’s magazine .I used to lie on her lap and listen to all so carefully. I think I don’t even concentrate on my classroom lectures that well. But with grandma my 100% attention was there. I loved Ramayana story so it was usual that everyday she began to tell the story from the beginning. I wanted to hear each and every detail, if she missed any I will make a big fuss about it and make her tell it again. I was a persistent little rascal back then

      Another category of granny stories was the real – life stories she told. Some are too personnel in the sense that the characters are still living and I don’t want to intrude into their privacy. But some others I can share. So here is one…….

When my grandma was little that is about 1930s that is ,when our land was still under kingship and colonialism.  She really adored a foreign lady named Missy. She was from Britain and she lived just half a kilometer from her house. She told me with wonder about the Persian cat that Missy owned.

Missy married a foreigner here. He came to tutor the Prince. They both worked at the palace, Missy was in charge of the tapestry decorations & carpets (palace was about 3 km away from our house) .They met and fell in love. But tragically her husband fell in the bathroom and died. Missy stayed here even after her husband’s death as a widow. She used to play a piano on some evenings. She was a very generous lady. My grandma & her little brother when they were small kids, used to visit her at Christmas time. She gave them cakes & would ask them to choose a gift that was hanging on the Christmas tree. The gifts were usually small toys and chocolates from England. But after 1947, that is the time of India’s independence Missy left Kerala. She went back to her homeland. My grandma really grew fond of the foreigners and she missed them when they left.

           I know it is not a story, but more of like a chapter from my grandma’s childhood. She used to tell this story when I asked her about the big beautiful bungalow a little away from our house. That is the bungalow where once lived a kind lady called Missy. About 60 years have passed from the day Missy left, now that bungalow is a laboratory & residence of a local doctor. 

Went for a one day trip :)

Krishnapuram palace

Krishnapuram palace

Krishnapuram palace

Varkala beach

Varkala beach

Varkala beach

Varkala beach

Panmana asramam

Shivagiri ,Varkala

P.S. All mobile cam pictures :)
 

Freedom to hate

About 10 % my classmates in my college are either married or engaged .Some of the conservative families thinks the appropriate age for marrying off a girl is 19 years. Marrying young has both advantages and disadvantages. It takes a lot of adjusting & patience to live with someone you just barely know. There are tales of fights & tears that I see in the eyes of my married friends. One goes like this

Freedom to hate

 She acts deaf and dumb

When the world around her is of unspeakable things

“Coward”, the brave mocks her

The brave, that doesn’t have the guts to offer a helping hand

She lives on to see a brighter tomorrow

Even though her days get dim & dull

Too afraid to give up on hopes

Hopes that area possibility in a distant future

A future free from the bonds of love and fear

A future where she is not compelled to love

With a freedom to hate

Freedom to hate those who

Give her nightmares

Freedom to hate those who

Bruises her pale hands

Free from the obligation to love

In the name of marriage and blood-relation

Freedom to hate anyone she wishes

Without the bonds of ethics

Love & Deafness

We never learn from mistakes…well at least some don’t. There are a few I know, who are such dumbbells that they have promised themselves that they will act crazy and destroy their life at its ripest time. Of course I mean the girls that are of my age group…my colleagues in college. They are young, beautiful & bubbling with life &….some foolishly presumes they will be like that forever. They say they are in love, & they want to talk to their soul mate all day long.

          Whatever the friends do to warn them of the disasters won’t work. They are just bitten by the love bug & at the end of story they will be left heart broken. At that time I just want to shout to them I told you so, but I haven’ done that yet. Sure there are some love stories that are genuine. But nowadays the society is so rotten & from most of the cases I know about my friends love is just a game for them….a pass time…a peer pressure thing. I had a friend who was so in love and finally it ended badly for the girl , the boy & the family. She has stopped her studies, & she is not even allowed to call her friends. Some people who are living close to her home told me once that she is so changed. She rarely speaks anything, always being rude to people who show kindness and to sum it up she has shut herself up in a miserable world of her own.

            One thing I know for sure, college life is not just for enjoyment. Its the hard-work during this time that determines the rest of our life or career path (in my case its so) . So the safe thing to do is to stay away from all stupidities, including falling in love.I really hope that my friends who are so in love with "some person on the other end of mobile phone" will throw the stupid thing away & start working for their exams........God I am really in a bad mood now..... :( ...I wonder why that love-bitten friends never listen to me?....I think love also makes them deaf or immune to good advices....

Sleep

It’s a cold Sunday morning

A blue night and a rain-clad sky above me

Smell of wet earth and moisture in air

Dawn is peaking from

Underneath the blanket of darkness

Air stands still as if heavy with

The burden of thick fog

I can see blurred sceneries at distance

Getting clearer as I come nearer

My eyes are falling asleep again

To continue dreaming an unfinished dream

Listening to the light tune of drizzle

I again fall asleep as the world is waking up

Good sleep is a luxury

To sleep, to dream a sweet dream with happy ending

Life only has endings

Beginnings that end somewhere

Sometimes happy, but mostly tragic & pathetic

Want to have a peaceful sleep

To escape the nightmares of life

Let me sleep under a light,

Without knowing the time

Let me wake up at dawn to say goodbye,

To a sinking sun, with a promise

I will see it again next day

Some blurry 'grey' pictures ;)

Yesterday I went on a train journey from Trivandrum to Ernakulam...it was raining slightly.....actually I found it entertaining...there was no boredom of long journey with rain to keep me company during the whole journey.Yesterday was Independence day, but I didn't miss the parade..I saw 2 parades on the way to Ernakulam from train..And it was Onam season so there were small "pookalam"s in front of houses, there were little girls swinging on the rope swings tied to big trees...,there were naughty little boys splashing around in mud puddles...

Landscapes looked so mystic & blurred with all the rain & mist..,,I only got some bad pictures in my mobile camera...the pictures are really bad...I took the pictures while the train was moving..& I am still amazed how the pictures are not so blurred..Usually even when my hands shake the pictures get blurred..Anyway here are a few shots...few because most of the time I was enjoying myself, by just looking outside & didn't bother to take a picture..... :)

Recolouring a fading past

Sometimes I wish I could frame

Those beautiful moments

Just like the framed pictures on my desk

Wish the time won’t pass so quickly

Uncertainty of the past frightens me

Still the curiosity to embrace the unknown, cheers me up

I try too hard to memorize each & every detail

Recollecting as much as possible

To recolour a fading past

I remember the way I blushed to a compliment

And cried to a heartless scolding

I remember the comfort of my home

And the warmth of my parent’s protection

But I remember more about love and death

I fasten my grip on my memories once more

Afraid of letting them fade

While I am busy, chasing my dreams

A sleepy mistake

Last day our Kerala history class was going on as usual. I was among the few who were not sleeping in a class of 65 students. Our professor was talking about the people who have came to Kerala from other parts of the country, in ancient times…Like in the 8th century AD..She asked who was the famous philosopher who came from Erankulam to here(here means Trivandrum , our place) in the 8th century A.D. Actually she was expecting an answer ‘Sankracharya’. As I was going to answer & make a show off, someone from the other side of my row raised her hand. That was my dear friend Alia who has come from Ernakulam. As she was sleeping during the rest of the class, she only heard the part ‘who came from Ernakulam ?’ She proudly & loudly answered “Madam, I” ….The students who were not sleeping & the professor broke into a laughter. Even at this point, Alia had no idea what was so funny about her answer….Due to the amount of sound we made the rest of the students woke up & they too joined the laughter even though they had no idea what was going on. Of course, if they didn’t laugh it will seem awkward, so they had to imitate laughing till we stopped laughing….After the class we made fun of Alia as much as we possibly can…I mean its only in such rare occasions we get such a humiliated prey….While we said goodbye to her that evening, we said no hard feelings..it was just a sleepy mistake …

I want to say something

Yesterday I was going through my blog posts...Oh..God... its depressing... Most of the posts have negative feeling ..How come I am not writing about the cheerful & funny scenario that happens to me ?..Seems like I want to keep all the happiness to myself...One more thing..the posts with labels 'about me' are the only ones based on my experience..I have wrote some posts using "I"... just used that for a effect..I get most of the inspiration for "my sad stuff" from the experiences of my friends..I am kind of borrowing their pathetic condition & modifying it, to my imagination..creepy...Well I will try to write about something cheerful than my usual load of complaining & confusion..