Turning over a New Leaf

People from my past see me through their

Old spectacles…….
And see the shabby, dull picture
Once blotted the stain never goes

I live in the memories of people
Erase them and I become a stranger
Only my bio data remains the same
All my emotions, behaviour….. have changed
Turning over a new leaf was difficult
Hopefully I presume, I did it
What can I do to turn back the clock?
Do a little correction in my past…

We have to see to believe
What they see is the shadow of my past
I console myself, may the present sees the new me
Is it all an illusion?
Am I the illusionist?
I have never felt so confused, as in an enchantment

There is only one person who understands me
Even though he doesn’t understand my philosophy
He knows me, he hears me ……
I didn’t have a choice over him
But he was the best I could get….my father.

Turning point

What is the relation between a revolutionary and a conventional girl like me? Conventional in the sense that I grow up as a single child getting all the care, affection and protection of my parents. I was in a dilemma after finishing my 12 th standard. I didn't like the professional courses, which was the general trend. I wanted to work for public good rather than for private greed. I was afraid to try out the civil service ambition. 2 years of study in Kendriya Vidyalaya had drained out all my self-confidence and esteem.
It was at that point of time that I came across the book"CHE" (ofcourse its a book about che guevara) I only understood a bit of it and that bit was the life of Che upto the age of 30. He studied engg for 1 year then dropped it because he didn't like it(We all make some stupid mistakes,right? He then joined for medicine in 1948. In the year 1951 he went on a "motorcycle journey " through south american countries. He saw the poor, sick, hungry,...... the face of despair. He said "The highest form of human solidarity & loyality arises among such lonely & desperate people". I felt the same feeling when I started my degree years in Govt: Women's college (mostly in the BA history and philosophy classe,as they are the supposedly useless subjects according to some.) Most of my classmates are from poor family,their parents are daily wage labours and I understood the value of each rupee.They store 1 re & 50ps like magpies, they plan on buying things. Things which may appear petty to the 'well to do class'.
I got to understand poverty even though I have never been there. So I really want to help those people.
So Che's book gave me courage to pursue what I wanted in my life eventhough it meant going against the expections of the society .There were only a few people who supported me, my father he was such a darling. Its like even if I fall I have him to catch me. Then some of my friends were also my side. Most of my relatives had a sarcasm in their voice. My chances of becoming a civil servant are only about 25%.But I will try . I beieve life gives you what you deserve not what you desire. Even if I fail in that I still have other back-up plans like teaching, other govt services, atleast any job to support my parents.
This may not seem like a revolutionary step. But considering the fact that I am basically a bit cowardly,and a bit selfish (its not my fault that I didn't have siblings) this is a big turning point in my life. That is the relation between me and a revolutionary.........we kind of took the uniform decision to help people, but our ways have no similarity at all. He is dead but still everyone remembers him. I am living and apart from my parents and some few friends nobody will remember me.....
"I am so glad that, once upon a time there lived a man called Ernesto Che Guevara". Because he kind of helped me make up my mind .That is a turning point in my life for better or for good.....? The future will reveal....

Renewal

When I was in school I was too greedy
And wanted a better school,friends,teachers,....everything....
But when I moved on,I understood
I have arrived at even more downhill place

Now I want what I had back
I want my old friends back
What I had was limited edition,
Where I have arrived is a flee-market,
Everything is cheap here .......
Emotions,friendship,everything.....

As time goes on I am also becoming a crockery stuff,
I am just looking for renewing the links to the past
If I had moved on to a better place,
I won't have looked back

We all are instruments of the circumstances,
The final diagnosis :"I am selfish......I want a better present"
For that I am looking for supporting roots from past
As my present roots are withering away..
"I am a prisoner of the past"

The Other Side

The other side,the other side of me.......
Well its not a Miley Cyrus song.......OK!Fine it is.
But I am not stealing .....It just stuck me one day...
The following lines are from a French movie"The Black Box"

There are 3 persons within us
1)what we want to be
2)what we think we are
3)what we really are........unfortunately the third person is a stranger to us
So 'the other side' of me is what I think I am
Its always a question within me
"Who am I?"....You got me again I know its
the title of a Jackie Chan movie
Still its the question I am born with
Not only me but every rational human........

Two Friends

I started this blog because of two friends
But they don't know it
One friend is my inspiration,cause,effect,.......
She lives on the other side of the world
So writing letters to her is what motivated
my thinking
She is my BEST FRIEND.......!

The other is my good friend
Seeing her blog gave me the idea to
Start one of my own...(I am a complete novice in the cloud network
so its my first experience as a blogger)
This blogspot is dedicated to my parents & friends........