Dealing with a death

Nobody in my school taught me how to deal with death…nobody in my family told me how to deal with death…..why I wonder ?...Maybe they thought I will adapt to it, giving an explanation was too much complicated, so silences took over when it comes to death. I was too young to understand the loss, when my grandfather died…I was a child when dusk fell on the day my grandpa died… I was running along with my cousins…..I fell once or twice & I remembered how my grandfather used to scoop me up & rock me in his arms…shushing me don’t cry baby…..As the days passed I began to realize how much I miss him & it was too late to cry ,….because crying period was over & my family had moved on…I don’t remember anyone talking to me about his death…Maybe they thought I was too young to remember .….

In high school a wonderful friend of mine decided to end her life without no particular reason…..I rewound the last conversation I had with her, to find any hints of suicide mood…I didn’t find any…I still don’t know why she decided to put an abrupt end to her beautiful life…That question is one among many that nag me on a sleepless night

In college my grandmother died ..She was really old, so some of my relatives were of the opinion that I shouldn’t cry so much and make myself sick…But anyway I cried for days & the crying stopped when I became sick…Then I was concerned about my body & my grief got drowned ,among the period of concern for present..

I think a part of us dies when someone so dear leave us forever…..A thing of great happiness happened to me days back, after the initial excitement , I remembered that I couldn’t share this with my grandma …That was realization…. Anything & everything I achieve in this world doesn’t make sense, if I don’t have my loved ones to share it with….I can be alone in my sorrows, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in the moment of success ……As I age, I will bear witness to the death of my loved ones…Call me selfish, coward…but sometimes dying young has its benefits ,if it puts you out of the torture of seeing everyone around you die. …..Yeah yeah I have heard the philosophy of how we have to face everything & how from the day of birth we are moving closer to death…But when someone dear to us dies , everything goes blank…only time will heal it.

….P.S. I have no intention of dying for another 80 years ;) :D...letz hope :) …

Books & twirling skirts

I promised myself that I won’t make this a place to whine about my problems, still i have some whining ……I have joined for civil service coaching class…there are about 81 students in my batch…Some are really nice..& some absolutely mean (mostly girls)…The thing that worries me are “the mean ones who will become our future administrators “…..I appreciate how much knowledgeable they are. They religiously study the newspapers and all the books they can lay their hands on…but lacks a social skill…they don’t know how to behave with someone outside their bookworm life….At some level I understand them…because I too once used to be so deep among books….reading upto 6 books within a week…At that time I was less fun when I was with friends, had less time to talk with my parents….etc..etc..Well gradually I switched off the extreme reading habit, then I got time for other things in life…I spend more time with my parents…I hanged out with friends more…..made some solid friendships that is going to last a lifetime…. We need hardwork to succeed in life…but we got to enjoy that hardwork….its not enjoyment if we miss out on our parents , good friends , our hobbies….The frustration that hardwork gives sometimes takes toll on our life,our soul…So I try to make sure I balance it out…I am at a delightful age of 21….. I like to twirl in a skirt and listen to the music of my jingling bangles & tinkling earrings , …I go for long walks with my father, I cook with my mother, I enjoy a nice movie now and then, the rest of time I work for my ambition. If my ambition doesn’t give me time for the above said things, then I am with the wrong ambition . I sincerely wish that the "mean bookworm girls” in my civil service class will realize there is more to life than just mugging up knowledge. These girls are going to be in a powerful position in their future life, may God give them the sense of humbleness also.

Regrets ......listed

Regrets...

1....................chopped off 7 inches of hair (arrogantly)

2....................broke a window glass (accidently)

3....................missed a friend's wedding (idly)

4....................renounced making long calls to friends (economically)

5....................regret regretting over silly things(philosophically)

Summer nights

Those summer nights when I toss and turn in the bed

I snuggle under a blanket even when its warm

To get the comfort of a company

Its those dark hours that remind me of death and pain

I murmur those prayers my grandma taught me

It’s during those sleepless nights that I really think

My days are filled with books, movies, family & friends

That alone times that I converse with myself are getting scarce

There are days when I hardly talk to myself

Holidays ahead ..........!

......Its a long time...well not so long(just 3 months) since i blogged...Some may have noticed that I deleted the earlier post I wrote "declaring" about the study preparations I am going to make for my final year exams..I deleted it b’coz my plan failed :( …..I was not well during some time in the study leave period…& I took it as a sign of universe  telling me “you are not supposed to work hard… :P”…I got terribly lazy after I got well…anyway I made sincere efforts to study about one week before the exams…."I think" I did enough to get decent marks…:) I started “facebooking” again...Its some “psycho defect” in me…periods of withdrawal and activity in internet..I start facebook…delete it.. start it…go into dormant state …etc .etc..

Alive

Living today, as though

Going to die tomorrow

That is the passion I have for living

To the fullest I want to feel the gift of life

Honoured to have been blessed

Encircled by family and friends

Protected by the prayers they say

To love and being loved

Emotions that crowd and fade like

Clouds in the sky

Suspecting a comedy and tragedy

Behind the next turn of life

Wish to live a long life

No age is too old to live with

If the reason ‘alive’ is good enough

Alive with sounds ,sights ,smell and sensations

Granny stories

My grandma was a good story teller. She used to tell stories everyday when I was little. When she ran out of stories she began to read stories from children’s magazine .I used to lie on her lap and listen to all so carefully. I think I don’t even concentrate on my classroom lectures that well. But with grandma my 100% attention was there. I loved Ramayana story so it was usual that everyday she began to tell the story from the beginning. I wanted to hear each and every detail, if she missed any I will make a big fuss about it and make her tell it again. I was a persistent little rascal back then

      Another category of granny stories was the real – life stories she told. Some are too personnel in the sense that the characters are still living and I don’t want to intrude into their privacy. But some others I can share. So here is one…….

When my grandma was little that is about 1930s that is ,when our land was still under kingship and colonialism.  She really adored a foreign lady named Missy. She was from Britain and she lived just half a kilometer from her house. She told me with wonder about the Persian cat that Missy owned.

Missy married a foreigner here. He came to tutor the Prince. They both worked at the palace, Missy was in charge of the tapestry decorations & carpets (palace was about 3 km away from our house) .They met and fell in love. But tragically her husband fell in the bathroom and died. Missy stayed here even after her husband’s death as a widow. She used to play a piano on some evenings. She was a very generous lady. My grandma & her little brother when they were small kids, used to visit her at Christmas time. She gave them cakes & would ask them to choose a gift that was hanging on the Christmas tree. The gifts were usually small toys and chocolates from England. But after 1947, that is the time of India’s independence Missy left Kerala. She went back to her homeland. My grandma really grew fond of the foreigners and she missed them when they left.

           I know it is not a story, but more of like a chapter from my grandma’s childhood. She used to tell this story when I asked her about the big beautiful bungalow a little away from our house. That is the bungalow where once lived a kind lady called Missy. About 60 years have passed from the day Missy left, now that bungalow is a laboratory & residence of a local doctor.